How to make friends as an introvert

New girl in a new town-6

So, you are an introvert?

sitting alone in a crowd

Welcome, get comfy, check out your surroundings and feel free to sit up the back. Yes, all of you! (It’s the internet so we can do that see?)

You are in good company. J.K. Rowling, Emma Watson, Mahatma Ghandi, Rosa Parks and Audrey Hepburn all identify as introverts. In fact about 1/3 to 1/2 of the population claim to get their energy through spending time on their own.

Plus, introversion is the new black don’t you know. Everyone is doing it. This is our time loners!

Small problem though right? We all need people. Take it away Barbara.

People. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

Or something like that.

Yes, even we who leave parties without saying goodbye, even we who run screaming from the conference room at the suggestion we “share our thoughts with our neighbour. Even we, who sometimes want to shout out loud in the middle of a conversation “stop talking everybody”.

Even we, get lonely.

 jelly baby with no friends

Even we, need more than just books to meet our needs. (no offense books, I still love you books. Please don’t look at me like that books, you are still my bestie.)

Here are eight reason that even introverts need friends. Because some people have tried to convince me that maybe we don’t.

1. Connection with other people increases resilience
2. You are ace so you shouldn’t keep that to yourself
3. Friendship is good for the soul, the happiness, the inside smile.
4. Touch and human contact is part of what keeps us going. It decreases pain, promotes growth, increases wellbeing and may even help us stay healthy.
5. Talking with friends can help you solve problems and make a difference in the world.
6. You might one day have a broken heart and need someone to bring you cake.
7. You might one day get sick and need someone to bring you soup.
8. You might one day feel slumpy and need someone to bring you a Boost juice.

Convinced yet?
So how to go about making friends? Well that is the hard part. Gather around, some in close, (not too close of course), I have the secret.

Don’t do it.

Ok, just joking.

Using humour to deflect from my personal discomfort. Classic strategy.

Try it, you’ll like it.

Here are my (actual) top tips for making friends as an introvert.

cooltext131402211826358Say yes, to the right people, more often. “Want to come to the poetry workshop?” No “Yes, sure.” “Want to check out that new cafe with me?” “I’m too busy.” “Yes please, when are you free?” Want to try illegal base jumping on the weekend?” No thanks.

You never know what good thing might come your way from a new experience. Plus the more people you meet, the better your chances of making a friend. My bold guess is that the average new friend rejection rate is around 60% so, you have to be in it (often) to win it.
cooltext131402364292621Find your people. You don’t have to want to hang out with everyone all the time. If you’re peeps love going clubbing every weekend, and you like sipping green tea and watching Anne of Green Gables, then maybe branch out a little. Go somewhere different, do something new. Your people will be out there, somewhere. (If you like the tea and Anne thing, I am your people by the way.)
cooltext131402462416871Do something new every 6 months. This is a fun one. Join a club, try dating online, volunteer on a committee, attend a local event, go to an event at the local library, play tennis, become a Scout leader, start a book group. You will feel a little bit scared but hold on tight and do it anyway.
cooltext131402744590490Watch your body language. Maybe you are trying to make new friends but in reality you keep giving people dirty looks. Maybe you think someone you meet is interesting and ace but you refuse to look them in the eye or you ignore their phone calls. If so, work it out, work on it, develop a new talent for smiling and eye ball looking and cheek kissing and being friendly.

cooltext131402885431500This is a hard one, take the first step. Ask someone to do something that you think you might both enjoy. I am not so good at this one. I have been known to think about organising a coffee date with someone for years, until eventually one of us moves away and then I think, “Oh, that was a pity.”
cooltext131402984617154Throw a dinner party, it does not have to be at home. It is lovely to invite people into your home and you should definitely try to do it. But, if your house is your quiet, safe little cave, and you start sweating at the thought of having someone in it, then deal with it. Go out, try a restaurant, or a cafe. Go to an event, ask a friend to attend. Go to theatre, have a drink before hand. There is something lovely about having people in your home. It speaks of generosity, kindness and intimacy. But if you can’t make it, at least try to fake it.

cooltext131403160053496Be a friend. If in doubt, do something nice for someone else. This could include bringing, cake, boost juice or soup because everyone loves these things. You might also think about volunteering, listening or hanging out.

People love someone to listen to them, in fact I would suggest that there is listening famine. If you can listen, you are a golden jewel of a person.


So there are my seven tips. I meant to start with a funny story about how weird and shy I can be in a big group, to put you at your ease.  Instead maybe you could check out this other post that I wrote, it’s all there.

Five weird things adults should not do when trying to make new friends.

Or this,

How to make friends as an adult form a girl with six friends.

Yep, I don’t mean to brag, but I have six friends. Cool hey?

Happy smiling.

cooltext128271553595728

How to make friends as an adult (a very non-expert guide from a girl with 6 friends).

New girl in a new town-6 I already posted on five things not to do when trying to make friends. Ironically the post was very popular. This time, instead of being a negative Nellie I thought I would look on the bright side and write a (very non expert) guide on how to make friends as an adult. Making new friends as an adult is hard work. Really hard work. I have often met people who are funny, interesting and great to be around but the timing in our lives has just not added up, so no new friendship has developed.

There are different friends for different times, places and purposes. My goal is to never give up on any of them. 

But how to go about actually making new friends when you need them? Here are my top six tips.

1. Never say no to an opportunity.

If you say “yes” people are likely to ask you again and you will have more opportunities to meet more ace people. This is my number one rule and I have written before about how it does not always turn out well.  Some of my more adventuress examples include.

  • attending a poetry recital on my own in someone’s house, with basically their extended family present.
  • Hanging in a bustling room of adults with only my children talking to me. (Thanks kids xx)
  • Going on a 4WD trip and sleeping in a tent, in Winter, in a 4WD that no one would let me drive. While hating 4WD-ing.

Honestly, I have endless examples of how annoying this rule can be. For more read here. But there are also a lot of examples of when this rule did work.  And the friendships that have developed with new, interesting people, are generally very much worth the effort. Plus the poetry recital was kicking!

2. Be open to meeting new people every where you go. Like a puppy dog, basically be like a puppy dog. This way you will look cute, you’ll get treats and people will invite you into their lives without even realising it. Warning. You might, maybe, definitely will sometimes look daft.

playing-puppies-790638_1280

3. Be friendly, say hello. Be that person that you wish would walk up to you. This is one of my favourite ones. It gets me out of my own head and helps me think about other people instead. So at my sons new kinder, I was thinking it odd that the adults never acknowledged each other. So now I smile and chuck a loud “hello” into the wind every time someone walks past. People generally return the favour = happiness lifted. You can even use a little visualisation here, “I am Madonna at the music awards” type thing. Or read about channeling Jason Statham to overcome shyness, here. Or just think of that one person you do know who is great at making friends, and copy them.

4. Take the next step and ask someone to do something with you. I am a massive failure at this one. It is the hardest part of making a new friend for me. I sometimes think about doing it for weeks, months, years. But really, you will never get to have coffee with a new friend if you do not ask them. That simple.

5. Hang out where the people you want to be friends with hang out. Alert! I do not mean this in an overly literal way. DO NOT go around to someone’s houselight-painting-801024_640 uninvited or turn up to Advanced Zumba if you have never done Zumba before. I just mean that you need to actually meet people to make new friends. Look people in the eye, be present, smile. Don’t hang around in the library every day and wonder why the basketball kids are not your friends.

6. Don’t stick to your crowd. We all have a crowd, although for some of us this crowd might be very small. Poetry people, music people, foodie people, goths, Katmandu shoppers, 4WD magazine readers. You will have people, I promise, once you get out into the big wide world and explore. But, don’t just stick to your people.

grandstand-330930_1280

Bush campers should pop on their beanies and climb down from that ravine they have been hiking and then and say “hi” to the Bed & Breakfast/ short black drinking crowd every now and then. Urban hipsters should pop down their selfie sticks and go find the crafter in a cardigan sitting quietly while “people watching” at the back of the room. Sia fangirls should stop imagining being “Titanium” for five minutes and get chatting with the Andre Reieu fan over the back fence who remembers to put everyone’s bins out. This can be so rewarding as you learn more about life and the world, and it also gives you a better chance of making a new friend.

Just be prepared that this kind of scenario is bound to happen:

“I had such a wild night last night, I was meant to have dinner in the City with friends but instead we spent so long over cocktails that we just went straight to the club. What did you get up to?” Silence, crickets chirping. Should I admit it? “I ate Maltesers and watched Agatha Christie, again. And I loved it, again.” Right then. More crickets.

So that is it, my non expert advice. Are there any tips that you would add? Any startling failures or dramatic success. A big thank you here to everyone who ever adopted me as their new annoying little puppy dog friend. And a huge high 5 to those of you who puppy dog-ed me (that’s a thing now). You know who you are.

And if you are a new visitor to my blog, welcome and thanks for stopping by. You might also like to read this:

How to make friends as an introvert.

Feel free to sign up or like me on Facebook. I look forward to getting to know you. 🙂

Dani B