Top Tips On Decorating Your House Ethically.
(and other ways to be awesome) With Sasha

_______________

This post was short listed for the Madwomen Monologues Independent Theatre Production.

______________________

Welcome to my home. Hopefully you didn’t have too much trouble finding it. I assume you managed to get a car park in the next suburb? I mean this neighbourhood is so good like that. Just a quick fifteen minute jog and you’re here. I pack my Lorna Jane’s in my Gucci and then just swap my Manaolo’s and I’m set.
Anyway, obviously you are interested in photographing my home for your blog. What’s it called again? Actually don’t worry, I don’t really need tips on decorating so I probably won’t read it anyway. Plus I am waaay too busy.

Do you want to take a photo of this cake I bought for you? I cut a piece and give it to my mini poodle so it looks like we ate some. I have set up my antique tea set too. Um, don’t drink from it though will you? It’s not for drinking.

So like I said on the phone, I have spent soo much time travelling the world and I think that my house really reflects this. It is global and really representative if you hear what I’m saying? France, Italy, Prague, Berlin, like basically everywhere.
(Picks up a copper cooking pot).
Every single item in my house has a story to tell, it’s really amazing.

My friend Garath just laughs at me when I say that. He says that all items really have a story to tell if we really care to look.
His kettle, for instance was made in a factory in Hong Kong where a local Chinese lady helped work the machine that mould the plastic. Then an old guy supervised the cardboard packing machine.
But you see my stuff more has like a story from rich and beautiful people. I think that really makes the difference.
(Pops the copper pot back down).

So I do source nearly all of my homeware’s from overseas. Although I have picked up a few items from local second-hand shops here in Brunswick.
(Picks up an old piece of random rotten wood).
This used to be an old fence post from one of the original houses in our area. I can tell because the guy at the shop said that’s where it came from. Isn’t it amazing?

(Mobile phone buzzes. Sends a text and puts it down again.)

I hate the way the noise my phone makes on silent. I am definitely getting the new iPhone as soon as it hits our shores.

What was I talking about again? Oh yes, I just love recycled and reused things you see. There is nothing worst than walking into a house where everything is shiny and new from some mass produced homewares store. Like, that is just so bad for the environment. Did you know that they ship all those cheap products over here in massive crates?
Instead I like to make ethical decisions and pick up old items on my travels.
I have a spoon from Portugal and all my crockery is from France.

Garath hates my French crockery collection. He thinks like maybe I am suggesting that everyone needs to individually fly overseas to buy their items? I’m not silly. Obviously that wouldn’t be good for the environment either. Although basically at least people wouldn’t be buying cheap imported stuff.

Like, I don’t have all the answers yet.

(Phone buzzes. She ends a text and puts it down.)

What I do know for sure is that you can give all your old stuff to poor people because they totally need it. Then I just get a bespoke interior engineer to hand design all my new stuff from authentic, local materials. Like I hate wastage I want to live a sustainable life.

(Mobile phone buzzes, sends a text and puts it down again.)
Do you want a photo of my bespoke leather couch? I think the texture of the amazing Italian leather gives the house such a warm feel. That’s what I am aiming for really, a really welcoming home.
Um, no, don’t sit on the couch. You will ruin the leather silly. I could stand right here next to it for you though. That will look amazing.

Then we could go into the kitchen for the next shot. I bought my sink from a props clearing sale for the Romeo and Juliet movie. So rather than let it be thrown out I have rescued it!

You know what is so special about this sink? I mean obviously it doesn’t work properly anymore and it’s surfaces no longer keep out water so it’s not that hygienic. But, this props guy I love, you might know his stuff, well he works for this Aussie guy Baz, who tells famous American actors what to do in their day jobs. Well he loves this sink.
Isn’t that amaaazing!

(Mobile phone buzzes.)

Anyway, thanks heaps for coming. I really have to take that call. I’m sure my press person will send me a copy of the article when it comes out. We really have to finish up now. I have been ignoring my phone for too long. Could you just lock the door behind you on the way out?
And don’t visit me here again right?
Ha. (shrill laughing) Jokes.
But don’t Ok.

This piece was originally written as an entry to the Madwoman Monologues series where it was shortlisted, but never produced. 🙁

I was very excited to be shortlisted though so swings and roundabouts right? I figure it was time for it to see the light of day.

It is meant to be read as a short, satirical play and was actually inspired by an article I read in a certain homewares magazine at the time.

We probably all have a little bit of Sasha in us at times though right?

Dani xx

Related posts: